I've put on weight again - I don't weigh myself - but I can feel it, when I look in the mirror while drying my hands at work I can see the back fat pronounced through my fleece. It is the shittest feeling in the world. Because whether I'm body positive or not, that really knocks me down.
I signed up to The Gym which is near Sean's work, I've been once so far - took me three days to recover! I met a 75-year old ex-military trainer who took me under his wing and marched me round the gym floor... so safe to say I was knackered and it hurt. I was meant to go on Monday but I caved, my work day was so bloody hard and aggreivating that I just couldn't deal. So I haven't been back yet, I'm aiming to go again tomorrow night - build myself back up. Motivation is hard to come by but this last week of "Fat Week" has been tipping me over the edge.
Even though I felt fierce with my Jeffree Star lipstick and face beat for the Gods when I went for dinner with an old friend, I felt gigantic - like a person who needs to be airlifted out of places. It just puts such a major dampener on your mood. You feel like everyone and their dog is judging you and judging your size, the only place I felt comfortable with my size that day was joining the Edinburgh LGBTI tribute for the Orlando shootings and then it wasn't anything to do with me it was about the victims. I really wish it was LGBTIS, I want to be included too... I feel left out because I'm straight but I've always and will always support the LGBTI community. Maybe the LGBTI community like the segregation between them and heterosexuals? I wish the world wasn't so damn complicated in that way. It's a real sad state of affairs. Love is love as they say.
Anyways, I know some people will say "well go the gym and lose weight" - and I'd shoot right back with, easier said than done. I need to generate the motivation to go, and then need to fit it around my schedule in a way that doesn't make me hate it - I have no issue going and getting a sweat on. But weight just doesn't fall off and that's as depressing as getting bigger! When you're already big, and if you don't want to go down the surgery route, then you gotta graft and you know what? 2016 living is hard! Work is hard, life is hard, money is scarce - you gotta keep your mental wellbeing in check too and sometimes that isn't about going to the gym every day but taking time at home with your partner and resting.
It's just frustrating. I wish the sun would come out more, it's summer for god's sake! I need some sun, boost up my vitamin D and my overall mood - then I can charge forward once more!