You're 27, going on 28, you probably don't feel that way most of the time, you probably feel a lot older. I don't feed you right at times, most of the time, I feed you way too much sugar. I try to eat healthier, I put you through a couple of months of vegetarian meals before re-introducing chicken and very occasional red meat. I know that made you sick at times, you didn't understand the sudden changes in diet but you stood by me as I did what I thought was better for you. Thank you for staying with me, thank you for adapting.
I know as we grew up our "puppy fat" never went away, despite what people said. That puppy fat stayed on and we were a bit rolly-polly, looking back now I wasn't particularly overweight I just had a more round tummy but I know that's not how we felt at the time. We went through a lot of bullying, and I know you were trying to protect me, wrap me up in cushions to keep me safe, to keep me warm. I know as the years went on you protected me more, made me more absorbent to nasty people and nasty comments.
But I haven't treated you properly, I've not been thankful for what you do for me. I'm hard on you, I get really angry at you for not being able to do what I want you to do. And I've realised how unfair that is.
I'm not a body positive advocate, I greatly admire those women who are standing up for body positivity and as for me, I am a cheerleader for every women feeling beautiful as they are, not feeling judged by others and being happy. It's so much easier being a cheerleader for everyone else than yourself.
I don't hate you. Let me say that now. I can look at you and see you for what you look like, I know what you can do, what you have done. I get disappointed in what I've done to you, I know you haven't done it to yourself. I'm not delusional. I think that's a good thing.
I know I don't exercise you enough, I have a gym membership and I use it when I'm at work sometimes. But not enough, I know it's not enough. It's my poor self-motivation, I try hard to self-motivate. I work hard, I try to do the best things, make the right choices and decisions - the one thing I dislike about working with others, managing other people is their lack of appreciation of what you have to do, what your challenges are. The days can be long and tiring, and I know you can feel so physically drained that all you crave is sleep. I know I ply you with sugar then and let you vegetate on the sofa. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry I treat you wrongly, I'm sorry I let work drain you and then I try to make myself feel better by feeding you sugar, not even giving you the chance to exercise and physically work out. Not feeding you the right foods at the right times. I make you wait, I run you out of fuel and then expect you to be able to keep going. I'm sorry. I wouldn't do that to someone else, why do I do it to you?
The beginnings of an apology to you... the beginnings of understanding, of learning and of changing behaviours. Change is always possible.